iHate Fortune Cookies
by mystlyx
Summary: Sam Puckett can't seem to get a single good fortune. So obviously, none of them will come true... because fortune cookies are just money scams... RIGHT? All dialogue, pre-Seddie


Disclaimer: Would I be posting this here if I owned iCarly?

**iHate Fortune Cookies**

_Crunch._

"Well? What does it say?"

"_Sam_… This is stupid."

"Come on. It can't be as bad as my last one. I mean, '_An unexpected even will soon bring you poverty and unhappiness'_? Who _says_ that?"

"All right, all right. Um… _'A single kind word will keep one warm for years.' _ Well, at least it's positive, I guess."

"Okay, pass me another one."

"Sam! You've already had three!"

"Carly. _'You should NOT have eaten the chicken' _and _ 'Help me! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie warehouse!' _are _not _real fortunes. And that last 'unexpected event' one wasn't even funny!"

"All right, all right, here."

_Crunch. _

"'_Your hard work will never pay off.' _Woop-di-do. Like I didn't know that already. Okay, gimme another."

"Sam!"

"What? I need to get at least _one_ good fortune! Otherwise I'll just give up on life altogether, seeing as I'll never measure up to anything - "

"All right!"

_Crunch. _

"So what does it say?"

"What does what say?"

"Oh, hey, Freddie."

"Who let the dork out?"

"Haha. Funny. What are you guys doing?"

"Sam's trying to get a good fortune, but apparently fate has something else in mind."

_Snort._

"No, Sam, DON'T!"

"OW! What the heck was that for?"

"Heck, Fredward? Momma Benson wouldn't be pleased to hear that."

"Just because you're feeling vindictive since you can't get a single good fortune doesn't mean you have to take it out on me!"

"Who uses words like 'vindictive'? Dude, _no one understands you._"

"Guys, stop! Just read your fortune, Sam."

"'_Secrets await you at the city dump'_."

"…"

"…"

"Maybe they're _good_ secrets?"

"What kind of good secrets could a person find out at a _dump_, dipwad?"

"I was just trying to make you feel better!"

"I don't need you to make me feel better, Freddork!"

"If you would just _for once _- "

"Like I care what you - "

"Stop it! Here, Sam, have another cookie!"

_Crunch. _

"Well?"

"It says - hey!"

"'_I know what you did last Thursday. NOT COOL._' Hey, these things _must _be true, how else could it have known about the shaving cream and spray paint incident with the substitute teacher last week that you blamed on _me_?"

"Give that back, you nub!"

_Sigh. _"Just give it to her, Freddie."

"OW, Sam! All right, here! Take your stupid fortune. But - _mmph_. Hey! _Mrph_ – stop it, Sam!"

_Sigh. _"Stop throwing your messed up fortunes at Freddie, Sam. It's not his fault."

"_Dork. _"

"_Blonde-headed demon." _

"Stop it! Here, Sam, take this one. Give it one last try; maybe this will be _the one_. "

"Fine_…_"

_Crunch. _

"Well?"

"…"

"What does it say?"

"…"

"Sam?"

"Are you okay?"

"…I'm going to watch some TV."

"…"

"…"

"…Um…What…?"

"She probably just got another bad fortune and is depressed about it. You know how she is about winning."

"Yeah, I guess…"

"Listen, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Could you just, you know…"

"…Wait. You're not about to ask me to go _comfort_ her, are you?

"She's been wearing me out all evening. I _need_ to take a shower. _Please_, Freddie?"

"Are you _insane_? Besides for the fact that me being within a twenty-five mile radius of Sam when she's depressed can be hazardous for my health, me trying to help is only going to make things worse! It always does!"

"Look, you don't have to _do_ anything. Just be nice… and… you know…"

"Let her use me as a human punching bag?"

"…Pretty much."

"_Carly_…"

"Please? For me?"

"I don't understand why she needs this! She just got a couple of bad fortunes, so what? Those things are totally full of it anyway."

"_I _know that. But I'm sure the 'I know what you did last Thursday' one kind of weirded her out, and we don't know what the last one said, do we? Just be a good friend. I know you know how to do that for her."

_- Incoherent mumbling -_

"Please?"

"Fine!"

. . .

"_What_?"

"What?"

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like… like - I dunno, but just stop it!"

"Um, I'm not doing anything, Sam."

"Yes you are, Freddork!"

"For heaven's sake, Sam! My name is _Freddie_!"

"Freddork! Fredlumps! Fredilina!"

_Sigh. _

"Freddington! Fredduccini! Fredwad! Frednerd-"

"…"

"…"

"Uh, hello?"

"…"

"Sam, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Well then why'd you stop smack in the middle of your insult tirade?"

"…I didn't."

"What? Sam, I just _heard_ you."

"Did you?"

"Stop it, Sam. Look, they're just stupid fortunes, no one takes them seriously."

"And now you're going to tell me the 'I know what you did last Thursday' one was a fluke?"

"Come on, Sam. I'm sure there's one just like it for Monday, and for Saturday, and for Wednesday. Seriously. It's just a joke."

"Fine. Whatever."

"…"

"…"

"...Sam?"

"…"

"_Sam_."

"_What, _Fredward?"

"What did your last fortune say?"

"…"

"Sam!"

"…You're not a nerd."

"What?"

"You're a dork, a geek, but you're not a nerd."

"What are you talking about, Sam?"

"You _can't_ be a nerd."

"I… _what?_"

"Stop acting like a nerd. Okay?"

"How did we go from discussing your fortunes to me being a nerd?"

"Look, I'll help you. We'll buy you cooler clothes, find you things to do on weekends besides homework and dreaming about Carly…"

"Sam, _what_ are you on about?"

"Never mind. You're hopeless."

"…_Huh?_"

"And those fortunes don't mean anything, right? Just like you said."

"Sam-"

"Okay, I'm over it. You can go now, dork."

"…_What?_"

------------------------

_You will fall in love with a total nerd. _

------------------------

A/N : If you were totally confused by this (Just in terms of the plot. If you were confused by the dialogue, that's a whole different story), it was based on one of Sam's blogs on icarly dot com. To read the blog, go to www dot icarly dot com slash iBlogs slash entry303 dot html - and yes I know I left out the last fortune in the blog, the one Sam claimed was the worst, but it didn't fit in here. Just figure that she read it sometime after this. Maybe later that evening Carly convinced her to give it another go. I don't know! ;-)

Any type of feedback appreciated. Especially constructive criticism. :-)

Thanks for reading!


End file.
